Here Comes the Bride...
by Chicky Tifa
Summary: A FF7 Wedding! Aeris and Sephiroth tie the knot! Hilarity and chaos ensues as our gang help with wedding dresses, writing vows, stag nights and many other things! Of course, our friends at Shinra inc are invited and add to the fun! Please r


Here Comes the Bride….  
  
By Chicky Tifa  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these guys (damn) the Good Men at Squaresoft do.   
  
Blind Date with a Chancer,  
We had oysters and dry lancers,  
And the check when it arrived,  
We went dutch dutch dutch dutch….  
  
'Shady Lane' by Pavement.   
  
  
Cloud was lying idly on his back shredding Aeris's 'Super Cute Daisies' (as she called them) to pieces. Tifa was slumped next to him, chewing grass like a meditative calf whilst Cloud slaughtered flowers.   
  
It was in this peaceful scenery that the big news happened. It was just another normal day at Casa Cloudie Poo, (another one of Aeris's namesakes).   
The sword brandishing warrior was mutilating daisies, his girlfriend staring at him as if her main purpose in life was to watch this radical act.   
  
Barret was parading around in his 'Corel Mayor Sash' trying to persuade everyone to vote for Proposition 62, allowing chocobos to run for Mayor of town. The 'yes' side was winning, as the people had declared that the chocobos were probably smarter than the whole population put together.   
  
Red was plotting on how to destroy the world, ingenious plans forming in his little head, but was at a loss, as he knew that nobody would ever take a megalomaniac seriously unless he was potty-trained. Red unfortunately was not qualified in this section.   
  
Cid and Vincent were down at the chocobo races (so they said) but normally returned bruised and beaten up, with cards reading 'Mukki's S&M Parlour' spilling out of their pockets.   
  
Yuffie returned dressed in her halter-neck top, wearing some shorts just longer than a pair of underwear. She had been working at her Fashion Company 'Yuffie's Totally Awesome Clothes' which designed the BEST fashions for chocobos.   
  
Finally, there was Aeris and Sephiroth. Who could forget these guys? The dark clad, former megalomaniac and the pink, flower-obsessed girl. These two were complete opposites, Sephiroth dressed darkly, while Aeris Pranced about in her pink dress. Aeris planting flowers while Sephiroth beheaded them.   
  
They had one thing in common, however.  
  
They were both dead. Well, at least they were meant to be. But in that strange, twisted, Final Fantasy VII way, they had come back to life.  
But anyway…  
  
  
Everyone considered Aeris dating Sephiroth weird. The girl was dating the man who had murdered her. But Aeris was certain that Sephiroth had changed his ways, and who could resist that long, silver hair and perfect chest, with a clueless demeanour to match?   
  
He also insisted that whole murdering her thing was 'an accident' and that his 'sword slipped', and he really did love his 'Rissy' as he called Aeris.   
  
See my point?  
  
  
Aeris and Sephiroth were walking back after a date of chasing butterflies in the sleeping forest. This suited both, as colorful fluttery things were Aeris's delight and Sephiroth was just a big softie underneath his dark cloak.   
  
They were walking back to Casa Cloudie Poo in Costa del Sol, when Sephiroth suddenly stopped and looked deep into Aeris's eyes.   
  
  
'Sephy, anything the matter?' asked Aeris sweetly, having been interrupted in her monologue about the mating habits of geese.   
  
  
'Uhhh…'stuttered Sephiroth, ivory cheeks flooding red. He knelt down on both knees and took a little black box out of his hand, and took Aeris's hand.  
  
  
'OH MY GOD!' squeaked Aeris, jiggling up and down, but suddenly frowning. 'Aren't you meant to go down on one knee, not two?' she questioned.   
  
  
'It's more comfy this way' muttered Sephiroth, eager to get the ordeal over.   
'So you'll marry me, be my wife, do my laundry, clean my sword and watch XXX monkey porn with me always?' he said in one quick rush.   
  
  
'Of course!' swooned Aeris, letting Sephiroth slip the little ring made of string onto her finger. The moment this little ceremony was done, Aeris dragged him off to Casa Cloudie Poo to tell everyone.   
  
  
  
The whole group were watching Television in the lounge. Well Cid and Vincent were both watching the Dukes of Hazard, both sporting fresh whip-marks from the 'Chocobo Races', Cid drinking endless cups of tea and Vincent sipping from a wine glass (filled with soda).   
  
Tifa was explaining to Cloud the importance of not sticking your fingers in a plug socket, Cloud nodding, taking in every detail as his frizzled hair stood above his head.   
  
Barret was playing snakes and ladders on the floor with Red, whilst Yuffie stashed away her saddle and bridle after riding Xander, her great chocobo and victim (oops, I meant model) to her Fashion Company.   
  
  
'Hey guys! Guess what?' asked Aeris, to the whole group. Before anyone could answer, she rushed on 'Meandsephirotharegoingtogetmarried!' she said so quickly, the whole words coming out in a giant slur.   
  
  
The group stared blankly at her and turned to Sephiroth.   
  
  
'Rissy is going to be my wife' he said in a monotone, hands in his pockets.   
  
  
'Sephiroth, you don't look very excited' said Yuffie, looking at Sephiroth's blank features.   
  
  
Sephiroth shoved his hands in his cloak pockets and pouted like a baby.   
  
  
'I don't see why everyone's making a fuss, I'm only getting married, not taking over the world again or anything' he pouted, stamping a booted foot.   
  
  
Cid dropped his cup of tea, and Vincent nearly spit out his mouthful of cola. Tifa and Yuffie just both gaped, whilst Red and Barret stared dumbly at the couple. Cloud was only one who didn't seem fazed.   
  
  
'Cool! So when you guys gona get hitched? Where?' he asked excitedly, as Aeris proudly showed the string-ring Sephiroth had made in five minutes.   
  
  
'We will marry under my religion/Aeris's, in about a month's time, and we shall need all of your help' said Sephiroth. Cloud walked up and clapped him on the back.   
  
  
'Sephiroth, what's your religion?' asked Cid who had come out of his trance and was refilling his cup of tea.   
  
  
'Pumpkin Chocobo Worshipper, from my mother's side' said Sephiroth proudly, smiling. 'It dates back a long way, and has many traditions, and please, call me Sephy' he said.   
  
  
  
  
So the normal evening at Casa Cloudie Poo had changed radically. Tifa, Yuffie and Aeris rushed out to get food for a celebratory dinner, whilst the guys held council with Sepiroth in the living room.   
  
  
'Damn, don't believe you two are getting hitched, I mean, after you killing her and stuff, I thought the whole thing was over' said Barret, jokingly punching Sephiroth's shoulder.   
  
  
'I told you, my 'sword slipped' I never MEANT to kill my Rissy, and I love her really' said Sephiroth fondly, eyes crossed.   
  
  
'There's downsides to getting married though' pointed out Cloud, reclining on the floor.   
  
  
'Like what?' asked Red curiously.  
  
  
'For one, you can't watch that Dirty Monkey Porn anymores, comment on other girl's asses, smoke weed in the kitchen, or visit that delightful S&M Parlour down 5th Ave' said Cid.   
  
  
His answer was greeted by silence, and a wrathful glare from Vincent. Cid quickly noticed his blunder and took a long sip from his teacup.   
  
  
'Did I say S&M Parlour? I meant Chocobo Races!' he chirped, trying his best to avoid Vincent's death glare.   
  
  
Cloud patted his shoulder comfortingly.   
  
  
'We all make mistakes, don't we?' he chattered on brightly, completely oblivious to Cid and Vincent's beet red cheeks. The others luckily took no notice, and nodded sagely.   
  
  
'Cid has a point, you know' said Red, prodding Sephiroth.  
  
  
'He does, but Aeris is a fan of Monkey Porn too, and the weed is no problem as we work different hours, and growing it in the garden will be easy as it'll look just like some of Rissy's flowers. I would never look at any other girls's bottoms, as I love my Rissy and she like chocobo racing as well' concluded Sephiroth.   
  
  
'Damn, you've got lucky then' commented Barret.   
  
  
'So where are you planning to have the wedding?' asked Vincent.  
  
  
'Probably in the sleeping forest, or in Rissy's flower garden' replied Sephiroth.   
  
  
'You could've at least bought her a real ring, instead of making her a crappy STRING one' said Vincent lightly.  
  
  
'I'm saving up for the wedding! And besides, she loved it anyways. You can hardly talk, Vinny. WE all know your just drinking cola, not wine' he said spitefully, cocking up an eyebrow.   
  
  
'It makes me look big' he whimpered. 'And it takes a REAL man to swig it all down in one go' he said, sucking his chest in and drinking the whole glass.   
  
  
'Really? I thought a real man was someone who didn't wet the bed' said Red innocently.   
  
  
'That's a personal problem! I hate you all!' yelled Vincent, scrambling out of the window and running head long across the garden.   
  
  
'Shouldn't we go after him?' asked Sephiroth anxiously, watching Vincent run in circles, pausing periodically to bang his head on the ground whilst jerking out his own version of YMCA.   
  
  
'Nah, he won't get far. We forgot to tell him that Cloud built an 8ft wall around the house, and there's a moat on the inside, filled with live alligators' said Barret easily, stretching out on the floor.   
  
  
The group suddenly sat up when they heard Vincent's anguished scream and the snapping of jaws.   
  
  
'Maybe we should've told him about the alligators, I mean if there's a large animal with big teeth in that water, I think he should at least know about that' stated Red, looking out of the window and watching a battered Vincent scramble out of the moat and continue running in circles.   
  
  
'Oh, he'll come home when he's hungry' said Cloud confidently, alluding to Vincent as if he were some type of dog. 'Red, how did you know about the bed-wetting thingy?'  
  
  
'I didn't know, I was just saying it as a figure of speech' said Red.  
  
  
'At least we know what that stain on his bed really is now' assured Cid.  
  
  
'Maybe we should go and help him?' asked Sephiroth nervously, as Vincent appeared to be mauling one of Aeris's 'Extra Pretty Rose Bushes'.   
  
  
All response was delayed, as at that moment the three women returned from their shopping trip, bearing food.   
  
  
'C'mon guys, set the table, dinner will be ready in a few minutes' ordered Tifa, pushing the men off the couches.   
  
  
'ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I'll go and fix the toilet!' shouted Cloud, grabbing his toolbox and stamping upstairs.   
  
  
The group stood, mouths agape. Sephiroth was the first to speak.  
  
  
'I don't think any of us expected that' he said blankly.   
  
  
'True, but are you complaining?' questioned Cid.   
  
  
'How DO you do it, Tifa?' asked Yuffie, looking at Cloud's departing figure in envy.  
  
  
'No idea, but Cloud's mind is roughly that of a sausage, and to get him to do stuff, just think what a sausage would do' said Tifa briskly, chopping vegetables and loading Barret with crockery.   
  
  
'Yeah, but I had no idea sausages fixed toilets, retiled bathrooms and cleaned gutters' remarked Yuffie thoughtfully.   
  
Tifa stopped what she was doing and stared at Yuffie.   
  
  
'You'd be surprised' she muttered Darkly, thrashing the chicken as if it were a meagre sausage under her fist.   
  
  
'Oh Tifa, will you help me find the perfect wedding dress tomorrow?' asked Aeris as she danced from one foot to the other, much to the annoyance of the stiletto shoes she was wearing.   
  
  
'Sure! Yuffie, you'll come as well? We'd better take a guy with us as well' said Tifa brightly, handing Cid the vegetables to put on the table, much to his annoyance.   
  
  
'Yeah, I know! We'll take Cid with us, he'll give us his $%^"££$^$ honest opinion' said Yuffie, eyeing Cid evilly.   
  
  
  
Soon the group were seated at the table. Cloud and Tifa were seated next to each other, Tifa giving Cloud extra helpings of food as thanks for repairing the toilet.   
  
Cid and Barret were scaring Sephiroth with their plans for the stag night.  
  
  
'You know, the tradition is to get a REALLY big stag and then they make you ride him all the way around the town' said Barret, enjoying his chance at being able to scare the ex-megalomaniac.  
  
  
'Ride it?' gulped Sephiroth, cheeks coloring up.   
  
  
'Yeah, naked' added Cid, trying to keep the chuckle out of his voice.   
  
  
'Really?' whimpered Sephiroth, staring helplessly at the plate of vegetables and chicken, as if it was the giant stag.   
  
  
'That's why it's called a stag night, duh!' said Barret.   
  
Sephiroth was about to reply as to whether the stag had particularly big horns when there was a quiet voice at the window.   
  
'Can I have some dinner?' asked Vincent pathetically, looking battered after his encounter with the alligators and tall fence.   
  
  
'Of course, Vinny, come right in' said Aeris warmly, noticing that Vincent looked particularly dead today. Vincent put one leg up to climb over the window when Yuffie yelled sharply at him.   
  
  
'What ARE you doing Vincent? This is NOT Dawson's Creek, we use doors like normal people, but seeing as you're far from normal, you can use the window' finished Yuffie graciously, wincing after Aeris's sharp kick to her ankle from under the table.   
  
  
'There we are, Vinny' said Tifa kindly, installing him at the table with a plate of food which he began to pick at.   
  
  
'Told you he'd come back when he's hungry' muttered Cloud triumphantly. 'Ouch!' he yelled, as Aeris's booted footed made contact with his shin.   
  
  
'Yuffie, if you knew Vincent wasn't normal, why did you object in the first place' pointed out Red.   
  
  
'It was a metaphor, a manner of speaking, an ode' said Yuffie dramatically, waving her arms enthusiastically, nearly knocking Sephiroth's eye out in the process.   
  
  
After dinner, the group retired to the living room to yet again worship the television. Tifa and Aeris was helping Vincent to bed, who was a bit worse for wear due the actions of the disgruntled alligator, whilst the rest sat back to watch 'Dawn of the Dead'.   
  
  
'You know, Barret you could really act in one of these films' said Cloud, devouring popcorn at a disgusting rate.   
  
  
Barret preened visibly and pretended to look coy.   
  
  
'Really? I guess I have that tough-guy air about me, I'm a survivor' said Barret grandly, flexing a bicep.   
  
  
'I meant as one of the zombies' added Cloud naughtily, yelling as Barret lunged at him.   
  
Aeris and Tifa came down and joined them for the film, which carried on uneventfully after Tifa had restrained both of the men with threats of sending pictures of them cross-dressed to one of the biggest newspapers. This had the desired effect.   
  
  
'Well, we'd better turn in' said Cloud, dragging the group upstairs. 'Riss and Sephy, you guys will stay?' he asked, nodding to the couple.   
  
  
'Cool' said Sephiroth, grabbing Aeris's hand and dragging her upstairs.   
  
  
'So tomorrow, shopping for the wedding dress, and what will you guys be doing?' asked Yuffie, standing next to Barret by the sink both brushing their teeth.   
  
  
'We're taking Sephy to get his Tux for the big occasion, and stuff for ourselves as well' replied Barret.   
  
  
'This is gonna be one wedding that nobody will forget' declared Red triumphantly from his position at the specially fitted lower sink.   
  
  
'Who can forget the wedding between two people who are technically dead?' joked Cloud who had entered, dressed in Tigger boxer shorts and one of Tifa's shirts.   
  
  
'The people who don't have memories' suggested Red from his sink.   
  
  
'It was a rhetorical question!' laughed Cloud, shoving Yuffie and Barret out of the way to use the sink.   
  
  
And so the eventful day ended in laughter, and the group began to prepare themselves for event.   
  
  
  
  
  
Chicky's notes: Well guys, what do you think? I'm a bit rusty on FFVII fics, I've spent a long time on my multi-chaptered Resident Evil story, and getting into the happy swing of the FFVII archive is a pretty hard change!  
  
  
By the way, Dawn of the Dead is one of my fave films, if you haven't seen it, I suggest you do.   
  
Adieu, till I post again. Expect funny dressing up antics, Sephiroth's strange religious ceremonies, plans for stag and hen nights, and of course, invitations!  
  
  
-Chicky Tifa 


End file.
